Jeeperrs Creepers!

2003-01-01T22:43:00.000-06:00

I know it has been a long time since I have had the opportunity to write. With the holidays and the constant driving across the state I have had little time for myself while entertaining all those in my life. Right now I must say I feel my wings beginning to give and the foundations of my heart beginning to crack. I just feel I am always the one to give but never get anything in return. Where is my thank you card, where is my simple phone call? The broken record just continues to play from person to person. The terms friend, brother, son, and lover can only feed you for so long. Back to the shadows I go till someone wants something again. Maybe soon someone will come knocking for something other than for themselves.

2002-12-06T21:09:00.000-06:00

Jaded little yellow pill
Control my emotions and my will
Feeling you throughout my every touch
For now thoughts of loss don't mean much
Time passes oh so slow
Four hours in and away you go
Floods rush through my mind
How dare you leave me to find
To many emotions and not enough will
Come back to me jaded little yellow pill

2002-12-05T19:29:00.000-06:00

To start this blog off I want to clarify what some people are probably wondering. No, I am not depressed, I am not having relationship problems, and things are going well at the moment. I went back and read some blogs and despite the grammar and punctuation errors I could see how someone would get this point of view.

Well, this blog is being cut way short, have to go take dinner to my boyfriend. Oh, I know I have been vague about my old job, I will just say it is one of those occupations that could send you to war :-P Later for now, I will write more I promise.

2002-12-03T20:16:00.000-06:00

Hmmm, don't know what to talk about tonight. Lets see, the most exciting thing today is the change in weather. It is deffenitly getting "winter" here. The only probleme with the timing of this weather change is that I have to drive an hour and 40 mins tomorrow and with bad weather it will be more like 4 hrs, grrrr. I always welcome change but sometimes I wish the timing would be better. I must admit that the timing is never "good" but always in the right time. This is all I have today, nothing great. Soon I will sit down and write a famouse "Dr Sues Poem" as my ex described em haha. Laterz.

2002-12-02T22:42:00.000-06:00

Finally I have taken the few mins to sit down and write my blog. On a lighter side I started my new job today and it is so much less stress than I imagined. I think I will enjoy it for the next while till I find the better paying job which I am still on the search for.

I have been thinking about "love". How do we experience it? How do we stay in love?

I would venture to say that our first inclination is that love is an "emotional experience" but those who have had any relationship beyond that of a month you will find that it is more than just emotion. I think our emotions draw us to the point to where we begin dating and then after the emotional state you love begins out of commitment. I say this because it is like getting anything of emotional significance, you choose to make it special and develop that love. It seems that most of us don't even know when we are "in love" until the person is gone and out of our life. I use to be the worlds worst and couldn't accept someone who truly treated me well and wanted the best for me. I will say that you can never be told enough that you are loved, I absorb it, cherish it, and continue to crave it. But, on those lonely nights the echoes of the one who is brave enough to venture the words "I love you, despite our coming age, my financial status, and my future appearance changes" give me the peace and sparkle of happiness that put that smile on my face as another night I dream of the one I too love and venture those same boundaries.

Know you are loved and always know I am here.

Well I didn't expect this blog to go this way but I guess this was what was on my mind. Till tomarrow :) Nite!

2002-12-01T19:07:00.000-06:00

Finally we have reached another Dec 1st. I really like this month because it is the end of yet another year and time for tax returns to come :) Ok, I dot' enjoy the filing of the taxes but I like the returns haha. Ok, quick reflection on how the holidays went, ummm, they were all good but today. I just don't get my dads family, everyone is so distant and seems to have no feeling toward the other. My grandma was saying how she hasn't seen me in 3 yrs, how I don't even know where they live, and how I don't know their phone number. All I have to say to this is, YOUR RIGHT, I don't and I don't care. Don't show up years later and think your family will be there waiting and wishing you were such a good part of your life, just like when a vine starts to kill a tree you have to kill the vine to stop the loss of something greater. Yeah so it was quite funny to listen to everyone say how they accomplish all the great things in the last several years but the one thing none of them had was happiness. You could just see the empty black holes they call a soul. So would I say I am jealous? No, I would rather be poor and have nothing but the satisfaction of know I achieved great things in my life, things they will never be able to understand because they are who I am, they are me. Enough of my dads family today. The other days were actually very nice. I was able to watch the lighting of the trees with my boyfriend and spend time with my nephews who are the most wonderful two boys in the world. No, I am not partial to them, it is a fact haha. I also had the chance to get a puppy which I decline with great sadness. I would love to have a dog but I just don't have quit enough time to give an animal such as that. One day soon I will but just not yet :( Anyway, That was my week and I will ponder on deeper issues to write about for the next blog. Till then take care, bye bye.

2002-11-27T17:32:00.000-06:00

So it is the night before thanksgiving. I often wonder what makes the holiday spirit. Ever since I moved out of my house 7 yrs ago the holidays seem to have lost meaning. Is it because I have no family to pass the traditions on to or is it because I hold that as a separate part of my life such as my childhood. I don't really know and actually don't really care. I do go with the spirit of each holiday and like for thanksgiving I say how thankful I am for everything in my life. I have come to the conclusion that we need heart ache as much as we need happiness in our lives. If you actually stop and think of how you truly appreciate and miss the smallest things in your life, it is when you have lost it all. No one ever is appreciative for what they have till it is gone. Hmmm, maybe this is why everything in the world works on duality's, we need the worst as much as we need the best.

2002-11-26T11:58:00.000-06:00

Today I finally picked up my glasses. I always have buyers remorse after spending money like that on something as stupid as glasses. I guess it is good though since I will always need to see where I am going and who I am with. Speaking of seeing people clearly, does our eyes dictate how we perceive someone? I would say yes. So often when we talk to someone and cannot see them we describe someone totally different from who they really are. Does this mean we decide someone's "personality" based on looks? Hmmm, I would initially say no we don't but when I look back at how I could stop talking to someone after getting to know them in person, I would have to say yes I do. How sad and shallow we can be. Oh well, guess all we can do is acknowledge it and move on trying to not let this cause a factor in the future. Laterz.

2002-11-25T10:41:00.000-06:00

What a weekend! So the night that I was having people over ended up a big change. Half of the people who were going to come backed out at 9 30 p.m. It was nice though talking with the few that were here. I did tell my boyfriend I would stop by his work prior to going out with my friends to the clubs and on my way to see him decided I didn't want to go out after all. I ended up spending the evening with him at a bar close to his work in downtown, I love that bar since I get free drink there haha. We had a great time and came home and passed out. I felt bad since he had to be up at like 7 a.m. for work again and I haven't even gone in for a job in weeks haha. Well, on a good note with jobs I had my third interview with a bank here, I am almost positive I have that job. They are even talking about paying above the highest salary for me with my experience :) That was a nice added bonus. I was hoping to start this week but they have to do a background check and won't get the results till weds, grrrrr. Oh well, just learning more patience :) Well I guess I will go for now, my boyfriend is wanting me to go run around with him for a bit so I guess I will do that :) Later!

2002-11-23T21:01:00.000-06:00

Ok, tonight is going to be that of just fun. I have opened up a bottle of wine and am waiting for my friends to get here for our "starters" before we go out to the club. Yeah it sucks since my boyfriend has to work and I won't get to see him till like 1 30 a.m. :( Oh well life goes on, at least he will have money hahaha :) Anyway, I am going back to my Annie lennox and if you read this Joshie I miss you! :) I will go out there soon to see ya again :) bye for now

2002-11-22T18:22:00.000-06:00

Hello hello! Today my thoughts have been on religion. I am sure somewhere I will step on someone's toes and I do apologize, but this is MY rambling thoughts :) Well I was driving and listening to the news. I heard so many horrible stories about people dying, people hating, and people just wanting to separate from others based on religion. How stupid can this be! I mean ok, I understand we want to be around those of like mind but do we have to go to the point of killing. This makes me think back to how religion even started. Before that of any of the major religions we have today there was even older beliefs which created our present ones. It just seems that religion has been the tool for governments to control those of non education to form the society they wanted. We seem to all say we want world peace, love thy neighbor, do unto others as you would have them do to you, but before you can even say the sentence these are the first people to pick up a gun and kill someone, all in the name of God. People need to wake up and learn to love others differences for the mear fact they are different. Step aside from this cycle of hate we have put ourselves into and move on with our lives, move on to one we could all share. Or wait, is sharing a religious moral? Later!

2002-11-21T20:36:00.000-06:00

As the curtain closes on a portion of your life it seems so often memories just overflow. Today I went back to my old apt to clean it out and turn in the keys to the landlord. Walking away from 2 1/2 yrs for the first time I truly felt that portion of my life close. I would say it is sad but yet I look forward to what the future holds. I know my new life is just beginning but I have that nervousness and lost feeling as that of the day after graduating high school. Tomorrow comes a new day. May the new chapter be as full of love, happiness, and joys as the last chapter.

2002-11-20T19:05:00.000-06:00

Opps, I missed a day and didn't even realize it. Yesterday, now looking back, was full of errons, jobs searches, and then the movie preview of "Emperor's Club." It is one of those movies that you really only appreciate if you attended private school in which you were confined to campus. I did however really enjoy the quotes that were used throughout the movie and must say that the writer did very well with that portion. Other than that I haven't been doing much of anything. Today was a lazy day in which the only thing I did was cook dinner. YES, I am cooking now! I must say my cooking has shocked everyone that hast tased it, ok, that is just my boyfriend and I haha. But, he would tell me if it sucked and he had seconds tonight :) It seems I am at the base of the roller coaster we call life tonight. I just see a big uphill climb and sometimes wonder how I will make it to the top again. To clarify, I don't wonder if I will make it or not because we all have to make it, I just wonder how. It just becomes really bothering to go thru this time and time again. It will be a joyful day when the curtain will close for the last time and the candles will be snuffed out. This is the day I get to rest. The day in which no more shows will be conducted and the flood of emotions overwhelm you, knowing that is it, that is your story. Till tomorrow :)

2002-11-18T19:03:00.000-06:00

Well, the move is finally over! I so hate moving. This move however did go suprisingly well. I was all stressed that things just wouldn't work out since nothing ever seems to for me haha. Now if I can just get my paperwork letting me officially move on in my life so I can start a new job or something. I was not absolutely certain about this apt but I have fallen in love with it quiet fast. I gave away my bedroom set so all there is in the bedroom is some boxes and my bed haha. It looks so sad in there but actually I really like the change since I have a window that is the entire width of my bed and I am using that for a head for type thing. It is great watching the sun set out my windows, that is the best part of this apt! I almost wish I didn't have to move again in 9 months since my bf will be moving off and I should be following haha. I am really excited to be here again, it is a truly refreshing time. Well, this is short and tomorrow I will try to write something a tad bit more interesting. I will talk more laterz!

2002-11-15T15:14:00.000-06:00

Today is one of excitement and anxiety. I am trying to get the last bit of things laying around packed up to make the move that much easier tomorrow. I am sooo hopeing everything works out ok with this move. I think I have just about everything you can pack packed and the rest of the stuff that I find can be tossed into one box of just junk. Tonight is a friend of mines b-day and I so hope she has a good one. Actually it is two of my friends b-day this weekend but we are doing one at a time. We need all the excuses we can come up with to have parties and go out together haha. Well, we aren't that big of a party group but we do like our gatherings and occasional drinking together. I just feel like there is so much more I could do for the move but then I look around and there isn't anything out there for me to do. Yeah, I know this blog is not deep in any fashion, but I need to tell someone this crap haha. Aren't you glad you decided to read all this, JEEPERS CREEPERS! hehe Ok, for those of you who don't know why I came up with the name Jeepers Creepers as my lil title is because I bought a Jeep almost a year ago and was always saying that stupid phrase. I watched the movie and hated it, but I just think it is a cute saying. So don't think that I am referring to anything scary, it is just like me saying "good grief." Ok, now that you know all that you should feel really special :) I guess I will go nap since I dunno when I will get sleep again due to the party tonight and early drive back here for the move. I won't be able to write again till Monday when my cable modem is installed. I will return though, I promise haha. Chow Kung-Pow!

2002-11-14T18:27:00.000-06:00

"If you must have motivation, think of your paycheck on Friday." I saw this quote and thought how true this is. As much as life seems to suck at times I always am looking forward to the 1st and 15th :) I will say however I need to find me that great job again since I am changing careers at the scary age of 25. I was going to move where I could find a job but have now decided I will find a job where I want to move haha. Yeah this could be a bad thing but I am putting faith in the higher power that I will come through OK in this process. So today things have finally managed to work themselves out. I was able to set up my utilities and small amenities for my apt that I am moving into on Sun. The whole process came to a big mess due to the great criminal background check they do. I guess some fool out there with the same name has been a bad boy and gotten in some trouble. However, this was not me and almost messed up my ability to get an apt! I don't understand who the genius was that decided to do background checks based on names and not social security numbers, what a dumb ass! I hope my profanity doesn't offend you out there but sometimes there is just no better word than the ones we learned through our free education :) I am trying to stay motivated through this whole moving process but have to admit I would rather have my nails pulled out by tweezers than move. OK, maybe not quite all that pain but I really hate moving. I guess I can think of how my "motivation" will be stopping soon if I don't get "motivated" to get other "motivaters" to start coming in on a bi-weekly schedule :) Have a good night, talk to you again soon.

2002-11-14T16:11:00.000-06:00

The good mother knows that frustration teaches tolerance and that instant gratification is not always best. Yeah this is my day! Will write more later.

2002-11-14T11:00:00.000-06:00

OK, finally after hours and hours of fixing the stupid codes my counter and Tag is working. I guess I should have paid better attention when I took my computer course in college :-\ Well, the tag thing is doing something to the server but soon it should work, look forward to any comments! Now it is time for lunch, laterz!

2002-11-14T09:04:00.000-06:00

I think this morning the title "Eyes wide shut" would fit me at the moment. I am just in a numb state of mind not feeling to much. I think most of it is because my phone has been ringing off the hook so I haven't been able to sleep in as planned, grrrrr. Not that it really matters if I sleep in or not since I don't really have to work for the next month :) I am starting to feel that life is just a big circle. How is it that no matter how far away you try to go you always end back to where you have been before? It just seems things I want to leave behind come back and bite me in the butt! I guess the whole walking away is not the healthiest thing to do but rather you should just acknowledge those things as being a part of your life and let it move away. I guess with the feeling of power to do what you want, you eventually decide to act out on it to see if it is really there. Then you wonder why you ever even brought that out of the closet where it surely belongs. Oh well, on a not so good side, I caught myself getting jealous of Kent. Yeah it was a dumb thing to be bothered by but oh well, it was good to feel I guess, lets me know I still have my humanity. OK, I am going back to a boring morning :)

2002-11-13T18:04:00.000-06:00

More than words, more than life. Just a lil while back I started to ponder on what drives us in our lives. Where are we going, what are we doing? It seemed not to long ago my life was dictated by the script I wrote many a day ago. Now it seems that nothing is going in any particular direction. I try to stop the endless spinning but direction can't take grasp. Maybe this all has to do with what has been set forth from my past and now coming to a head. I wish this head could be popped and the sickening bacteria could be let out. Wait, how do you materialize that which you "feel" to allow for such modern medicine? I don't think there is a cure to which hurts us deep inside but only to grow stronger to handle those bumps and bruises. Do not get me wrong, life is not uncontrollable but at this time I just fear all that I wish to lay on the line. Moving will be good for me since I will be close to those who know me and can offer that helping hand when needed. But, being that of a Leo people stand back and see you only being a strong lion. I wish during some times in my life that instead of seeing the strong hunter, they can see that I too must sleep. If only I could let them see me sleep, see me so vulnerable, could they possibly understand. Tonight, I lay my head down and will rest, will let those close see my weakness, my vulnerability. This is who I am, my completion!

When I say I love you, I truly do!

2002-11-13T09:56:00.000-06:00

Good morning to all! Sorry it has taken me a couple of days to get back online to write. I was supposed to be back home yesterday evening but a friend of mine talked me into staying to go to a bar for a drag show. Yeah, it was real exciting, haha. One thing that is sort of odd moving back to my home town is seeing how much my life has changed. I am not the party person I use to be and want other things out of my life. It is a good thing my boyfriend is content not doing a damn thing like me. Today is going to be a full day as I am going home and dealing with some issues at work then tonight going to finish up packing since I move into my new apt of Sun of this week. I was suprised to find a good apt this quick but it has it draw backs, such as being on the 3rd floor. I think I can manage for 9 months if I don't break a leg or something in the mean time haha. I think everyone should move back to their home town after being gone a few years and see the difference when you come back. You see the same people who don't seem to of changed one bit. They still do the same thing and it is kind of sad. Well I am going to get on the road so I can make it back to that dreaded place to get my issues resolved there. I will write more tonight, hopefully something worth reading :)

2002-11-11T10:38:00.000-06:00

I must say this was quite the weekend. Just a reminder Nick came down from FL to hang out for the weekend with me. This was the first time he was able to hang out with my boyfriend and I, yeah, it was a mess. I will say that I am not saddened at all for the choice that I have made to never talk to Nick again due to his piss ass attitude! I just don't get why some people think that a friendship has turned into something way more than it ever could possibly go and then act like a jealous ex in front of everyone in the world, when they were never your ex. I truly hope I never exhibit that kind of behavior around any of my friends. I will say that my boyfriend handled himself very well through the weekend and didn't let to much of this all get to bother him. We have had a couple good laughs now that it is all over and Nick is back in FL where he most certainly belongs!

I know it has been a little while since I have been able to write but this is the first time I have had any alone time. I am fixing to move back to my home town soon and have had the proposal of being roomies with a friend of mine. I would love to be roomies with her, she is a wonderful person BUT it just seems that some people are better off not being my roomie for no particular reason haha. So I am going to spend the day driving around looking for an apt to move into next week and also a job to start VERY soon as well! Yeah, this big change in careers is becoming more and more stressful as the time approaches for me to move. It just seemed that all the times I made plans for my career it always fell thru at the last min due to things out side of my control due to my past job. All I want is to move back home and be close to the couple people in my life that mean something to me here. I still have the overall goal of moving out of state sometime soon, but this is like 9 months out. I just feel there is something more for me out somewhere else, not here in Oklahoma. Ok, this blog is not coming out how I want so I am gonna go, I will try to write back some more today or at least everyday this week, but if I don't it is because I am being a nomad between all the major cities in OK haha, yeah we have a couple I guess :) Talk to you soon!

2002-11-07T14:12:00.000-06:00

Yet another great day with the usual let downs. I found out today that our weekend holiday may have been canceled due to someone's intelligent thinking. It is a good thing that I work for the government, for if it were a business we would have filled bankruptcy about 276 yrs ago. Other than that it is going to be a good day for the person I am seeing right now is coming down for the evening. Yes, I am in yet another long distance relationship. I have been wondering why I always end up in them when I want someone close, maybe it is just fear of being "close" to someone else, I dunno. Some people say I over analyze everything in my life. I think I would have to disagree with that one. I mean if I didn't way all the options of pros and cons would I ever make a good decision? Trust, I don't want to leave it all up to luck alone for he can be cruel to me haha. I went to Vegas once, hence the whole ONCE! I think if it would be Mr. Luck instead of Lady Luck living there I would have been just fine haha. I hope my giggles through my writing don't annoy the heck out of you, but I have to add them or people take me to serious. Oh hmm, what to say. I often read others writings looking for something that may blow my mind and cause some intellectual stimulation but I all seem to find is stuff about finals and midterms. Hmmm, nope that blew my mind about 10 yrs ago haha, OK maybe not that long ago since that would put me at 15 :) Well, I guess my creative writing is going to come to a screeching halt for today. I doubt I have time to write again till next week as my boyfriend is coming up tonight and my friend is flying in from FL tomorrow. That is a whole other story that I will tell you about on Monday when it is finally over. Yeah I am not looking super forward to all this but oh well, what are friends for :) Till we meet again, bye bye!

2002-11-06T20:33:00.000-06:00

Now for my evening thoughts! Yes, through the day I get these great epiphanies and feel I should share them haha. So I have been thinking about decisions that are coming in the near future and wonder if I am making the right ones. I am guessing there is never a wrong one but it seems that we fear the ones that may bring hurt, as if it was a wrong answer on a test. I don't think in the test of life there is a "wrong" answer but surely there is an easier way on how life works. Through some parts of my life I begin to question who I am, who my friends are. I often wonder if I know who they really are and how honest they have been. I know sometimes they take offense to when you ask stupid things, I know I would be in return. It is sad when you look inside yourself when you are truly grounded and just wonder how you can honestly know other people in your life when you barely know yourself. It seems that everytime I figure out who I am, I learn something else about me, a weaker side to me, a caring emotion for someone in my life whom a week ago I would have forgotten. I can truely list those most important to me on one hand and of them I would probably narrow down to two fingers. Is this bad that I hold such stringent requirements for friends, whereas a relationship I give extreme tolerance? I think now is a time to reevaluate what I hold important and with whom I want to share this with. True friends seem the hardest to find, the only binding factor they share with you is trust. I would like to thank all those who hold me close enough to consider me their "true" friend, and more importantly those I consider my "true" friends. Thanks.

Sorry if this has no true flow on this blog, blame the random voices in my head hahahaha. Till tomorrow!

2002-11-06T11:11:00.000-06:00

Hello again! Today is a day that most would spend catching up on things that are most hectic in their life. NOT ME! I have come to a point to where I am going to stop and just let time take it course. I don't want to stand up and try to maneuver the onslaught of waves that continue to pound every day. Don't take this as a giving up, just taking a break. The last few months have been hectic as my career is most likely changing paths and with the great economy that we live in now, well I have been letting the stress take me over. I must say however I my mood has been quite good through these last couple of days despite all else going in my life. We all must have our times of huge change and this would be mine. New careers, relocation, and maintain those few close friends in my life are all swirling in my head! Well, I know this was an abrupt stop but I wanna nap, haha, what a way to enjoy the day! :)

2002-11-05T20:49:00.000-06:00

Ok, what a day it has been. I have wondered about doing an online journal and thanks to my friend ToddyLive.blogspot.com I have managed to find one. Well, the day has been one of frustration. To start a test didn't go well, work was crazy, and a friend decided we couldn't be friends because he can't deal with my new relationship. Yeah, MOST would think it is a bad day, but nawww, it isn't that bad. I am in the middle of finding those who are "true" friends and focusing my life on them, since that is where it should have been all this time. I have taken on a new quote from a friend of mine "Life is not a dress rehearsal." I just love this because I am one always putting other things first to drive for the future instead of living for today. I guess I don't like being in control like this but it seems like a good thing to start now. I will have to go little by little as to go straight by this my life would be chaotic and I don't think I am ready for that. Well, this first entry will be small but I will have many more to follow, maybe my life will be interesting to at least one person out there :-P I will be back soon!