I know it has been a long time since I have had the opportunity to write. With the holidays and the constant driving across the state I have had little time for myself while entertaining all those in my life. Right now I must say I feel my wings beginning to give and the foundations of my heart beginning to crack. I just feel I am always the one to give but never get anything in return. Where is my thank you card, where is my simple phone call? The broken record just continues to play from person to person. The terms friend, brother, son, and lover can only feed you for so long. Back to the shadows I go till someone wants something again. Maybe soon someone will come knocking for something other than for themselves.
posted by J 10:43 PM
Friday, December 06, 2002
Jaded little yellow pill
Control my emotions and my will
Feeling you throughout my every touch
For now thoughts of loss don't mean much
Time passes oh so slow
Four hours in and away you go
Floods rush through my mind
How dare you leave me to find
To many emotions and not enough will
Come back to me jaded little yellow pill
posted by J 9:09 PM
Thursday, December 05, 2002
To start this blog off I want to clarify what some people are probably wondering. No, I am not depressed, I am not having relationship problems, and things are going well at the moment. I went back and read some blogs and despite the grammar and punctuation errors I could see how someone would get this point of view.
Well, this blog is being cut way short, have to go take dinner to my boyfriend. Oh, I know I have been vague about my old job, I will just say it is one of those occupations that could send you to war :-P Later for now, I will write more I promise.
posted by J 7:29 PM
Tuesday, December 03, 2002
Hmmm, don't know what to talk about tonight. Lets see, the most exciting thing today is the change in weather. It is deffenitly getting "winter" here. The only probleme with the timing of this weather change is that I have to drive an hour and 40 mins tomorrow and with bad weather it will be more like 4 hrs, grrrr. I always welcome change but sometimes I wish the timing would be better. I must admit that the timing is never "good" but always in the right time. This is all I have today, nothing great. Soon I will sit down and write a famouse "Dr Sues Poem" as my ex described em haha. Laterz.
posted by J 8:16 PM
Monday, December 02, 2002
Finally I have taken the few mins to sit down and write my blog. On a lighter side I started my new job today and it is so much less stress than I imagined. I think I will enjoy it for the next while till I find the better paying job which I am still on the search for.
I have been thinking about "love". How do we experience it? How do we stay in love?
I would venture to say that our first inclination is that love is an "emotional experience" but those who have had any relationship beyond that of a month you will find that it is more than just emotion. I think our emotions draw us to the point to where we begin dating and then after the emotional state you love begins out of commitment. I say this because it is like getting anything of emotional significance, you choose to make it special and develop that love. It seems that most of us don't even know when we are "in love" until the person is gone and out of our life. I use to be the worlds worst and couldn't accept someone who truly treated me well and wanted the best for me. I will say that you can never be told enough that you are loved, I absorb it, cherish it, and continue to crave it. But, on those lonely nights the echoes of the one who is brave enough to venture the words "I love you, despite our coming age, my financial status, and my future appearance changes" give me the peace and sparkle of happiness that put that smile on my face as another night I dream of the one I too love and venture those same boundaries.
Know you are loved and always know I am here.
Well I didn't expect this blog to go this way but I guess this was what was on my mind. Till tomarrow :) Nite!
posted by J 10:42 PM
Sunday, December 01, 2002
Finally we have reached another Dec 1st. I really like this month because it is the end of yet another year and time for tax returns to come :) Ok, I dot' enjoy the filing of the taxes but I like the returns haha. Ok, quick reflection on how the holidays went, ummm, they were all good but today. I just don't get my dads family, everyone is so distant and seems to have no feeling toward the other. My grandma was saying how she hasn't seen me in 3 yrs, how I don't even know where they live, and how I don't know their phone number. All I have to say to this is, YOUR RIGHT, I don't and I don't care. Don't show up years later and think your family will be there waiting and wishing you were such a good part of your life, just like when a vine starts to kill a tree you have to kill the vine to stop the loss of something greater. Yeah so it was quite funny to listen to everyone say how they accomplish all the great things in the last several years but the one thing none of them had was happiness. You could just see the empty black holes they call a soul. So would I say I am jealous? No, I would rather be poor and have nothing but the satisfaction of know I achieved great things in my life, things they will never be able to understand because they are who I am, they are me. Enough of my dads family today. The other days were actually very nice. I was able to watch the lighting of the trees with my boyfriend and spend time with my nephews who are the most wonderful two boys in the world. No, I am not partial to them, it is a fact haha. I also had the chance to get a puppy which I decline with great sadness. I would love to have a dog but I just don't have quit enough time to give an animal such as that. One day soon I will but just not yet :( Anyway, That was my week and I will ponder on deeper issues to write about for the next blog. Till then take care, bye bye.
posted by J 7:07 PM
Wednesday, November 27, 2002
So it is the night before thanksgiving. I often wonder what makes the holiday spirit. Ever since I moved out of my house 7 yrs ago the holidays seem to have lost meaning. Is it because I have no family to pass the traditions on to or is it because I hold that as a separate part of my life such as my childhood. I don't really know and actually don't really care. I do go with the spirit of each holiday and like for thanksgiving I say how thankful I am for everything in my life. I have come to the conclusion that we need heart ache as much as we need happiness in our lives. If you actually stop and think of how you truly appreciate and miss the smallest things in your life, it is when you have lost it all. No one ever is appreciative for what they have till it is gone. Hmmm, maybe this is why everything in the world works on duality's, we need the worst as much as we need the best.
posted by J 5:32 PM
